Wake Me When It’s Over

I have this recurring nightmare.

I’m a contestant on Jeopardy!, the game show hosted by Alex Trebek, Canada’s answer to Chuck Woolery. The difference between Trebek and Woolery, of course, is that Trebek is really smart, and Woolery looks at you in such a way that when the show is over, you kind of feel like you want to take a shower.

Anyway, in my nightmare, the game is mine to win after I wow the crowd by running the “Cheese Doodle Makers” category in the Double Jeopardy! round; the streak leaves me a mere $1.00 short of completely locking out my opponents.

The Final Jeopardy! category is ANNOYANCES, and Alex glares at me when he announces it, because during the whole let’s-meet-the-contestants segment, I asked him how often his wife grabs his “signaling device.” The chat pretty much ended there.

The Final Jeopardy! answer is, “This white, flaky thing is measured in inches and causes car accidents.”

This is a no-brainer, I think. We should all get this, and since I bet $2.00, I’ll be the new Jeopardy! champion. It is good to be me.

But only for a moment.

Don, a mechanic from Tulsa, is the current champion who credits his intelligence to a lucky blow to the head. His response? “What is snow?” He bet it all, which will still leave him in third place, where he’ll take home Rice-A-Roni, “The San Francisco Treat.” This suits Don okay, because he’s afraid if he gets any closer to the real San Francisco, he’ll “catch cooties from one of them foo-foo boys.” Oh, Don. Good luck in the Republican primary.

Next is Sheila, a teacher from Omaha. She asks, “What is snow?” She, too, bet it all, which will leave her in second place by one dollar. This will entitle her to a copy of the Jeopardy! home game, which she will play incessantly, only so she can relive the humiliation of defeat…all from the comfort of the inside of a scotch bottle. Take consolation, Sheila, in the fact that you were second-smartest on a game show as opposed to second-prettiest in a beauty contest. It’s one thing to be “not as smart as”; it’s another to be “uglier than.”

Two contestants up and two contestants down with “What is snow?” Suckers.

Oh no. Enter nightmare.

Wait a minute, I think in a panic usually reserved for DUI checkpoints and home pregnancy tests. Did they say, “What is snow?”

Alex asks for my response. “Um,” I say like a wannabe champion. “Let’s just skip it and crown Sheila the champ.” My response is revealed for me. “Who is Rue McClanahan?”

Have you ever seen a Canadian guffaw? It isn’t pretty.

Before I can argue with the judges that…

…Rue McClanahan is white and…

…Rue McClanahan is flaky and…

…Rue McClanahan is measured in inches and…

… anyone who has ever been in a car accident with me knows what the very mention of Rue McClanahan’s name does to my hand-eye coordination…

…I wake in a clammy, naked, fetal heap.

Suddenly, being back in two-and-two doesn’t make me feel so dirty.