My older daughter - The Girl - has a huge crush on Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz, a fact that was not lost on me when, during Fall Out Boy's TV performances on New Year's Eve, the music stopped being music and became instead a series of sustained, three-minute squeals that, at certain points, only neighborhood dogs could hear. Much to The Girl's great despair, Wentz and his wife, Ashlee Simpson ("singer" and sister of Jessica Simpson, another "singer"), recently welcomed into the world their first child, a son. Much love blessed the Simpson/Wentz family with the arrival of Bronx Mowgli Wentz.
Hmmm.
Why would anyone name a child Bronx Mowgli?
Perhaps the parents lost a bet. Probably not, although it would be a better explanation than if they had WON a bet.
Perhaps the parents wanted a child with the initials BMW and, in the grand tradition that almost had R&B super-group The Commodores calling themselves The Commodes, Pete and Ashlee blindly opened the dictionary, pointed reckless fingers, and landed a fate almost as bad. Probably not, since I can't imagine that any parents who would name their child Bronx Mowgli would actually own a dictionary.
Perhaps the parents conceived the boy in New York's northernmost borough while Disney's The Jungle Book played on a TV in the background. Probably not, because while the Bronx is as fine a place as any to conceive a child, I can't see replacing Marvin Gaye's mood-setting "Let's Get It On" with animation voiced by Louis Prima and Sebastian Cabot.
I'm not picking on the child, of course; it isn't his fault. This is a criticism of the parents, and not only these parents, but the many celebrity parents like (a) actress Gwyneth Paltrow, (b) actress Rachel Griffiths, (c) singer Toni Braxton, (d) magician Penn Jillette, and (e) director Robert Rodriguez. These celebs named their kids (a) Apple, (b) Banjo, (c) Denim; (d) Moxie CrimeFighter; and (e) Rogue, Racer, Rebel, and Rocket.
Really.
("Really" is my commentary, not the name of another Rodriguez child. With the rich and famous, adverbs don't seem to be as popular as nouns.)
As is the case with any name, there is always the possibility that it is a family name, and I respect that. But when celebs aren't paying homage to Aunt Moxie or Grandpa Rocket, I suspect they are trying to gin up publicity for themselves. The headline PETE AND ASHLEE NAME THEIR CHILD BRONX MOWGLI! will get more people interested in Pete an Ashlee than the headline PETE AND ASHLEE NAME THEIR CHILD DAVE! will.
But celebrities aren't the only people giving their children unique names. Everyday untalented people like us (as opposed to the famous untalented people of Hollywood) are doing the same; the difference is that WE seem to have a thing for naming children after famous people - people like President-elect Barack Obama, Philadelphia Phillies Chase Utley and Cole Hamels, and both Senator John McCain AND Governor Sarah Palin (in one baby!), to name a few recent examples.
Why do parents do this? Is it a lack of confidence? Are parents concerned that their babies will not make names for themselves, so they force notorious names upon the kids, sentencing them to an eternity - or at least 12 solid years - of playground torment? Or is it no different than the celebrities' self-promotion, but in this case less People Magazine and more church bulletin or social grapevine?
I'm not about to suggest that future parents populate the country with only Marys and Johns. But I will suggest that unique names are nothing more than gimmicks if there aren't unique kids attached to them, and parents can inspire and support uniqueness in their kids in many ways. Or, parents can consider how ordinary names can also mean something special. For proof of that, I give you the story of the kid who was named after an archangel: me.
My name is Michael. This is one of the most common names on the books (#2 for boys this decade, according to the Social Security Administration, but as the story goes, I was named after St. Michael the Archangel because I was born on his feast day. This might not matter to some of you, but understand that I am also the product of a 12-year Catholic school education. When you spend the entire formative era of your life surrounded by priests and nuns, being named after the angel charged by God to do battle with Satan gives your cafeteria stride a little swagger. And it didn't take me long to convince the other kids that while I can't hit a curve ball or play the low post, I just might be able to smite the wicked. This helped me in many social circles.
Fortunately, mine is a positive tale; having been named after a major religious figure gave me confidence as a youngster. But I was also lucky in that my name was ordinary, and never subject to ridicule. Neither will be the case for one poor, famously monikered kid out there...a kid named Adolf Hitler Campbell.
Sometimes it just writes itself.
In a story that was picked up from Pennsylvania (local) to Malta (not so local), the Associated Press reported on the plight of just-turned-three-years-old Adolf Hitler Campbell, son of Heath and Deborah Campbell of Hunterdon County, NJ. It wasn't the boy's name that made headlines (otherwise, the world might recently have been introduced to Adolf Hitler Wentz). It was the fact that local grocery store ShopRite refused to immortalize the lad's name in icing on his birthday cake, for whatever reason organizations give for thinking that Nazis and confections don't mix. Who saved the day? WalMart, who gladly obliged the birthday request. (Thank goodness Heath and Deb weren't shopping for a Cheryl Crow CD for the boy's birthday.)
But what would possess someone to name his son after Hitler? From the AP piece: "Heath Campbell said he named his son after Adolf Hitler because he liked the name and because 'no one else in the world would have that name.'"
Clearly, it never occurred to Heath that there are several reasons why no one else has that name. For starters, it doesn't quite roll off the tongue the way, say, "George Clooney Campbell" does. Second, everyone else seems distracted with the debate over whether to spell a boy's name Xavier, Xzavier, or Zavier (according to the SSA, #87, #703, and #898 respectively, for boys this decade). Third, the name tends to summon a quick reminder of an unfortunate death or two...or 6,000,000.
As for the name choices of the entire Campbell brood, it was reported in a longer local story, "'They're just names, you know,' [Heath] said. 'Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that.'" His other kids? One-year-old JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and her little sister, newborn Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.
Really.
Look, I don't think anyone thinks that a child named Apple will automatically become a titan of the fresh produce or home computer industries. Nor do I think that a child named after Chase Utley is destined to become a three-time all-star second baseman. So it stands to reason that I don't think anyone thinks that a child named after history's most vile mass murderer will grow up to become a vile mass murderer. But if he does, there is hope for us. That hope comes from Kel-el Copolla Cage, son of actor Nicolas Cage and child named after the last son of Krypton. That's right. Nicolas Cage named his son after Superman.
Sleep well, citizens. Just as rock beats scissors, so too does Superman beat Hitler.
Thank you, Nicolas Cage. You are a true American...celebrity.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment