NO PAIN (for them), NO GAIN (for us)

I used to think that self-esteem issues were found only within specific groups. For example:

- Overweight Women, who are made to feel inadequate because Hollywood, Madison Avenue, MTV, and myriad others declare that one's beauty is best defined by how well you can see that person actually digest a breath mint

- Nerdy Guys, who are made to feel inadequate because they live in their parents' basements and can translate the Magna Carta from English to Vulcan without using an English-to-Vulcan dictionary

- Old Men, who are bombarded with advertising that tells them their women (should they have actual women in the first place) won't be happy until the little blue pill inspires the little purple man to create little white swimmers

But as I have given this more thought, I have concluded that our society, as a whole, has a serious self-esteem problem.

My detractors might disagree. They would do this, of course, because they have a serious self-esteem problem.

The Germans have a word. The Germans have many words, actually, but I'm thinking of one in particular: SCHADENFREUDE. According to dictionary.com, "schadenfreude" is a noun meaning "[p]leasure derived from the misfortunes of others." Simply put, we feel better when others feel worse. Sure, it sounds like Corporate America or a Yankees game, and it is...but it's also much more. It's a self-esteem problem.

I suppose you could trace the roots of schadenfreude all the way back to the Christians and the lions, but really, the Christians weren't so much the victims of misfortune as they were the Washington Generals of their time.

For something a little more modern and relatable, head to the 1950s and Candid Camera, a well-produced television show where unsuspecting rubes were lampooned after falling for contrived scenarios in front of hidden cameras, all for the amusement of viewers. Is it schadenfreude? It's not misfortune, we rationalize, if the mark laughs along at the end, right?

Fast forward 40 years to the gritty realism of COPS. How sublime! Throw a cameraman in a cop car, roll film, and take your pick of shirtless criminals, incoherent criminals, or shirtless incoherent criminals, one of whom might remind us of someone we went to high school with. Is it schadenfreude? Hey, misfortune means "bad luck," and a life of crime - or at least a life of really stupid decisions - isn't bad luck, we rationalize, it's poor choices, right?

The following year brings us directly into our families', friends', and neighbors' lives with America's Funniest Home Videos. The premise is simple: spend one hour per week watching home movies of viewers' embarrassing moments. Grandma loses her dentures doing the Macarena at a wedding? What a hoot! Fido snatches Uncle Dave's toupee off his head at the family reunion? Priceless! Junior's line-drive teaches Dad a sudden lesson in blunt force crotch trauma? Always hysterical! Is it schadenfreude? How much misfortune can there be, we rationalize, when the mark hopes to win a cash prize at the end of the night, right?

But some things in life that start harmlessly enough become habits that need to be fed. A smoke becomes a pack. A glass becomes a bottle. A Cheez Doodle becomes...well, a bag of Cheez Doodles. Our gladness that it was some other schlub who played patsy on Candid Camera becomes our joy that our life-choices haven't landed us on COPS, which becomes our glee that we didn't pirouette into our wedding cake and still lose the money on AFV. But now we're so accustomed to feeling better when others feel bad, not even affable AFV host Tom Bergeron can offer enough groin shots to keep our good feeling rolling.

So, what do we do? We take schadenfreude on a road trip!

We prevent a car from merging in front of us, so instead it must merge behind us. We gain 15 feet. At a conservative average of 60 MPH, that will get us to our destination 0.1706484 seconds sooner than the guy we just boxed-out. We are better because he is worse.

We volunteer to coach youth athletics not as a way of interacting with our own kids, but instead to win at all costs. During a 3-on-3 U12 girls recreational soccer tournament, we harass an official into red-carding a girl on the other team due to play that we think is too physical! The girl isn't red-carded, but we get into her head, and her team loses the tournament. We are better because she is worse.

We are jealous of the guy's sports car we park next to in the mall parking lot because we want one but cannot afford it (and thus, do not get the hot girl that is attracted to it). We key the car. We are better because he is worse.

And so on.

What seems like nothing more than a few innocent television shows actually represents a behavioral pattern that has grown into confidence-by-attrition, and has moved the spectacle of others' woe out of the little magic box in the living room and into our everyday lives.

It's almost as if, in our collective psyche, we think there is a person in this country who is ranked #1, and another person in this country who is ranked #300,000,000. We then rank ourselves somewhere in between, and we spend our lives jockeying for position to get closer to the top. But "closer to the top" is about as relative a term as you can get. If we are ranked #173,241,003 and we block out a fellow driver, which puts us at a whopping #173,241,002. Is it worth it?

The answers rest with you. I'm going to take some time to seriously ponder my answer to that same question...just as soon as I finish surfing TMZ.com for the latest in mug shot chic. I'm feeling a little down today.