The Speech Isn't Free, But the Ham Is

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

The line is a classic one, uttered by the late (not tardy, but dead) John Belushi, in his role as Bluto in the 1978 film Animal House.

Of course, everyone knows it was the Ukrainians who bombed Pearl Harbor on July 4, 1776, that "date which will live in infamy," called such by then-president Gerald Ford.

What? Did you say that my statements are not factually accurate? Facts-schmacts! I'm exercising my right to free speech!

In a story picked up by various news outlets, including a piece on thebulletin.us by Katrina Trinko of The (Philadelphia) Bulletin, three Philadelphia tour guides, with help from the libertarian law firm Institute for Justice (think ACLU without the sexy brand name), have filed a federal lawsuit against the City of Philadelphia. Before I continue, a brief aside:

I'm no lawyer. Everything I know about the law (as well as medicine, home repair, most religions, processed cheese, and the Canadian government) I learned from Hollywood. Since I might have missed an episode or two of the complete Law and Order canon, I will caveat this entire piece by saying that nothing in it should be construed as legal advice.

The issue is a law the city passed in April 2008, effective October 2008, that will require tour guides to pass a test to become licensed to offer tours for compensation. For most readers, that last part is crucial. The law only applies to those who charge others for tours. If you live in Philadelphia and you are responsible for entertaining out-of-town family members, you do not need a license to be their tour guide. And this is not limited to tours involving quill and parchment, either; I think it applies to tours involving pole and dollar bill, as well.

The Institute for Justice (which calls itself "IJ" - see what I mean about no sexy brand?) believes the law to be a violation of free speech, which we all know to be protected by the First Amendment. (If you didn't know that, and you are older than, like, twelve, consider evening classes in something, please.) According to a release on their website (IJ.org), IJ's suit seeks to "...overturn a law enacted in April that will make it illegal for anyone like [the tour guides] to give a tour of much of the city’s downtown area without first passing a test and obtaining a government license—without, in essence, getting the government’s permission to speak."

I know. It reads like an episode of Law and Order: Test Pattern. Hang in there.

IJ's site goes on to say: "The government cannot be in the business of deciding who may speak and who may not...." It adds, "The Constitution protects your right to communicate for a living, whether you are a journalist, a musician or a tour guide."

It comes as no surprise that the suit - with its Constitutional subtext and its Cradle of Liberty locale - was filed days before July 4th, the anniversary of our nation's independence. Is the timing hammy? Of course it is. Is it as hammy as, say, Apollo Creed dressing as George Washington and throwing money at people before the fight? Oh, IJ can only dream.

But would IJ care if, instead of historic tours in Philadelphia, the complaint was about Tennessee tour guides being required to pass a test about the Backwoods Barbie Tour coming soon to Dollywood? I cannot say, but a Dollywood issue would lack the quality ham the Philly issue brings.

To me, this is not a free speech issue. The government already can, and does, restrict speech in at least one workplace: public schools. The state tells teachers what they can and cannot teach, at least to some degree. Should we change that? Should we simply hire the cheapest labor and let teachers say what they want? Consider the potential consequences: One day, your child comes home and asks you to help her study history. She pulls out her study guide and reads aloud, "The Ukrainians bombed Pearl Harbor on July 4, 1776." When this happens, will you call for heads to roll, or will you shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh well! Free speech!"

(Okay. I can't take it anymore. The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. Yes, it was called the "date which will live in infamy," but not by President Ford; it was President Franklin D. Roosevelt.)

In the real world, we require testing of plumbers and stockbrokers and doctors and teachers. Why not of tour guides? Why not of those who have chosen as a vocation the art of passing along the oral history of this great nation? Why not of those who have before them a classroom of new students every day; students who have traveled great distances; students who are not there because they have to be, but because they want to be; students who yearn to be there because they are eager to learn about this country's infancy? Is it so bad to want to ensure that the knowledge imparted upon these students is accurate?

Tour guides, you should not only welcome this law, you should embrace it! Tour guides, when you are at a party and you are asked what you do for a living, you should hold your head high with arrogance and say, "I'm a tour guide, and I'm SO good at what I do, I'm licensed by the government to do it!" Tour guides, you should dress as George Washington and throw money at people!

Oops. I got a little hungry for some ham there. Sorry.